We’ve had a great week or so – with one exception.  Zach’s been gone a lot lately and we’ve missed him like crazy.  Between his night hockey games, Young Men’s, Scout camp-outs, and his recent trip – we’re so glad to have him back with us.

We visited Kangaroo Zoo together as a family and counted it as Family Night.

It was difficult to get her to leave the place – even with the ever prominent “feet” smell.   Sloan’s been so affectionate lately.  She’s always been, but even more so lately.  Giving hugs and “loves” out like they’re going out of style.  I’m loving every second.   Sloan and I attended one of Zach’s hockey games this last week.  Sloan cared more about the snacks I brought her – but managed to clap when either teams scored their goals.  She’s passionate about sports, I guess.  

Zach treated me to a surprise massage at his sister’s spa in Layton on Saturday.  He booked the appointment and arranged everything all by himself.  It was wonderful.  I left with my hair pointing in every possible direction and I couldn’t have been more relaxed.  

I ordered a water table for Sloan to enjoy now that the weather looks promising.  We set it up Thursday afternoon and it was a huge hit – even without the water.  It entertained her while I helped Zach prepare for the Scout camp-out.

That same evening was possibly the worst of my entire life.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I’ve never meant anything more.  I was preparing dinner and needed to have my hands free while at the stove.  I had Sloan on my lap on the sofa – trying to find something for her to watch (she doesn’t like watching TV – it usually captures her attention for 5 minutes tops).  While surfing through some channels Sloan decided to jump off my lap and hit her head on our coffee table.  Everything seemed like a blur after that.  I managed to grab a clean towel and apply pressure to her head, but the blood was coming and coming fast.  It was completely covering her eye and already had soaked her whole face.  I got her to hold still briefly enough to call Zach and tell him to come home as fast as he could.  As luck would have it – he was in Salt Lake meeting someone.  I’ll be honest – I was a drone.  I don’t do well with blood, but it didn’t phase me at all.  I moved quickly and efficiently and surprised myself with how I responded (now that I can look back).  The cut was bad and I knew it needed stitches.  I got her upstairs, put a bandaid on the gash, and heard a knock on my door.  My brother-in-law Chad was waiting on my doorstep.  Zach called him after we had ended our call and he rushed over from the hangar.  I’ve never been more grateful to see someone in my entire life.  I managed to keep it together until I saw him.  He was so calm and collected.  He took Sloan from my arms and told me to change my clothes before we could go to the hospital.  I hadn’t even noticed the way I must have looked until I got upstairs to my room.  Blood has soaked through all my layers and my entire left arm and chest was covered in blood.  While I wiped all the blood off of me and got into some clean clothes, I walked over to Sloan’s bathroom where Chad was with her.  I overheard him talking to her and the tears started flowing.  He told her how beautiful she looked, even with the cut.  That everything was going to be alright.  I walked through the door and saw him wiping all the blood out of her hair.  He had managed to clean her up and told me to get some fresh clothes for her as well.  I later threw those clothes away.  I couldn’t even look at them.  They were completely soaked and I never wanted to see them again.  By the time Zach got home we were already cleaning up the blood off of the kitchen floor and had managed to calm Sloan completely down.  She was no longer crying and seemed as happy and content as ever.  I couldn’t have been more grateful to Chad and I don’t know how I’ll ever repay him for being there.

The three of us made our way to the emergency room at Lake View.  This was the worst part.  I’ve decided that water boarding is for amateurs.  If you really want to torture someone, you should make them watch their children in serious pain.  I couldn’t handle it and cried harder than I can remember.  Her eyes were fixed on me the entire time and it broke my heart to not be able to hold her and console her.  After her last stitch was over – I got to hold her.  She smiled at me and acted like she had completely forgotten the whole event.  I’ve said it before – I’ll say it again.  I don’t deserve this child.  

Being a parent is the most heartbreaking and heartwarming job in the world.  I know I’m not the first one to have to take a child to the ER for stitches.  I know that there will be broken bones and broken hearts in my future – but I still will never forget the feeling I had that night.  I will also never forget the smell of the blood.  It was like pennies.  I still smell it sometimes, even if in my subconscious.  If you’ve ever seen me with Sloan, you know I’m a helicopter mom.  I hover over her and fuss about every move she makes (first child probs) and she still managed to get a serious injury.  I was still holding onto her when she managed to hit her head.  When all was said and done and we got her down for bed that night – all I could think about was how I had failed to protect her.  Mommy Guilt is serious business.  I felt like my heart was ripped open, quite literally, while she was getting stitched up.

The next morning she woke up and was all smiles, like nothing had ever happened.  I wish we could all be like little children – so easy to give love and so easy to forgive.  Every time that I am consumed with love for my child – I think of my Father in Heaven.  I can’t imagine the love he has for each of his children, but I can get a glimpse now that I have my own child.  My dad called me the day after to check on me.  He and I have always had a special relationship.  I don’t remember all that was said, but I remember telling him “I don’t know if I am cut out for this”.  I cried a lot on that phone call, and so did he.  He always knows what to say and I’m grateful to him for restoring my faith in myself and my ability to be a mom to a baby who deserves more than I could ever give her.

Aren’t we all just trying to do our best?  I’ll never be able to deny her of that.